Chapter Two. Corvallis.

Dear Diary,

My name is Corvallis and I am going fucking insane.

I apologize; I realize we've just met, but as you can tell, I am frazzled. I'm mad. In a matter of minutes I feel as though the entire world has placed me upon Golgotha with stones in hand, ready to launch merciless reminders of the cross in which I bare. I would never, on any other God-given day, refer to myself in such a horrifically blasphemous way; I am fully aware of the sacrifices our Lord and Savior made for me. I have accepted Him into my heart and He has saved me - of this I am sure. Whether the world sees and accepts this is a different story.

Let me take a breath. I'm sure you are slightly stunned, Dear Diary. I'm sure Zeke, the gay boy that he is, came out to you in such an exhausting, dramatic way already. You needn't another introduction on such estrogen-induced explosion. Allow me to explain the basic specifics:

I was born on March 13th, 2004. I'm 25 years old and have been saved for four years. It was a truly life changing time for me; I abandoned the black, death rock tees for floral skirts and my natural hair color. I'm not thin, but normally sized just as the good Lord intended. I love to sing, and to write, and I enjoy fellowship with my church friends. They are some of the most amazing, supportive people I know... Most of them. And even those that I can't always come out and say things honestly to, I know who my Best Friend is, and that is all that matters. Typically when I am feeling discouraged or conflicted, I lean heavily on the guidence of my friends and the faith of my God. I also blog about how I feel, which generates a plethora of positive, uplifting endurance to get me through everything I have been through. I would not be who I am today without spiritual support - and I am a very positive, cheery human being.

Unfortunately, a dark cloud has been hovering over me lately. And while my pastor has told me on countless occasions in sermon, living the Christian life is not an assurance of easy living. We are meant to experience persecution and frequent attacks from the enemy. The solution to the trials that fall upon a Christian's life are only properly handled with plenty of prayer, good, honest fellowship, and studying His word. And while I have many to turn to, a significant faith that God will lead me through the darkness and plenty of biblical knowledge, I am somehow falling short in my steps towards doing the right thing. While my pastor continually addresses the tactical advances of devil and world against us, he has never really covered the issues that can arise from within. This sounds slightly cryptic ... And I almost feel bad saying that, because in all honesty, Diary, that entire phrase is lined in double meaning. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or purposely trying to hide things because I'm not - I mean how else am I to cast this unsettled feeling within my heart out without being open about it? But right now, Diary ... I feel that perhaps you may be the only to hear me out in this current moment.

Okay. I'm going to stop here. I don't mean to hesitate on you, and I appreciate your presence here, Diary. Alien Girl told me that meeting you might set me free. When she told me that, I laughed a bit. Only Jesus can truly set us free. But I decided to humor a soul who seems pretty lost herself. At least I have something eternal to lean on; the poor girl only has us as friends, and aside from me, they're a twisted group. You've seen Zeke; it only gets weirder from there. I don't mean to sound judgmental about him or any of them; I was obviously meant to hang around with them for a purpose. But, as elusive as God has been lately, I have yet to see the significance to our little group of chaos. And on that note, I should probably pray about this little meeting here. Talking to a complete stranger about my issues before God is very Catholic. It makes me uncomfortable.

By the way, I apologize for my bad language earlier. That is really unlike me ... It's such a weird feeling, expressing that statement. Please forgive me. In God's love.